Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
