im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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