She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
