when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
