dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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