I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
