I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
