I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
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