You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
