ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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