That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
