I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i love accidental penises.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
