After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I want her autograph on my taint
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
