did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize