GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
