I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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