turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
