Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
