It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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