Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
