don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
