After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I have fence marks all over my body
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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