I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
