You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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