i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
