i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
