I think I won the penis lottery.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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