you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
