well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
