Do you still have your period?
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I have already put on my inside pants.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
