You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
