she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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