Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Terrible idea I love it
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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