you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I think a kid would responsible me up
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
