I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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