i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I don't deserve a penis
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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