now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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