Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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