Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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