i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
