does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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