I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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