first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
