I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
