when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
