one two three fourrrrnication!
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
