my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
