Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
