Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Randomize
