Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I FOUND THE LEGS
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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