Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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