Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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