Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize