Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
