Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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