I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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