I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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