For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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