That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
