Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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