So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
