Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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