if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
So squirting runs in the family.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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