guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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