I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
