i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
