false alarm. still invincible.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
